A Post I Never Thought I'd Write

Two days later, on November 13th, my family practice doctor called and gave me the official results from my ultrasound. I listened intently as he gave me the news. I had a 10x15 centimeter cystic area on my left kidney. He said it looked like a cyst, but that the walls were thickened and it wasn't a pure cyst. His exact words were "we need to chase this down". I started crying. He told me that a nurse would call me back to set up a CT scan and that after it was done, I needed to call the doctor immediately for the report. The nurse called moments later to schedule an appointment for the next day. She told me about the dye they would inject into my kidneys and that I needed to stop breastfeeding. I was sad that I had to quit so abruptly, but knew for Ethan's safety, it had to be done.

I called Erik, who was still out of town and reiterated the information as best as I could. I felt sad and alone. He did his best to comfort me and told me that everything would be okay, but I knew I needed to prepare for the worst. Of course, I immediately started researching online and tried to find out any information I could regarding cysts of that size. That's when things got a lot worse. According to the article I read online, 90% of cysts larger than seven centimeters were cancerous. I called Erik again, balling. From that moment on, I stayed off the Internet. 

The next morning (Thursday, November 14th), Erik's mom came over to watch the kids again while I went back to the imaging center for my CT scan. I sat in the waiting room alone and couldn't stop myself from wondering what was going to happen. My thoughts went in so many different directions. I laid on the table as the ultrasound was about to begin and they immediately injected the dye. It was a terrible feeling. My torso instantly started to feel warm and it felt like I was going to be burned alive from the inside out. Thankfully, the feeling subsided rather quickly and the scan was over.

That evening, Erik's dad and brother-in-law, Steve, came over to give me a priesthood blessing. I needed the comfort and was so grateful they were there to step in while Erik was gone. In the prayer, Harald told me that "I would be well". It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been pleading with Heavenly Father to keep me alive and hearing those words brought me the comfort I desired. I instantly felt calm.

I was finally able to get some rest that night, but awoke to an abrupt phone call from my doctor the next morning. He told me that he was able to get me in to see a urologist that morning and I needed to be there in 45 minutes. I knew this was going to be bad. I wasn't expecting to have an appointment for a week, maybe two. The fact that they got me in so fast, was terrible news for me. This was not a good sign.

On Friday, November 15th, everything changed. Prior to the appointment, I had to stop by the imaging center, pick up all of my x-rays and bring them with me to the urologists office. I was rushing like a mad woman and while stopped at a street light, I received the random text from a friend of mine who had no idea what had been going on that week. "Have an amazing day today sweet friend!!! Go roar, conquering any trial and dance through the fire!" Tears streamed down my face. I was so grateful she wrote me those words. What an inspiration.

Alone again, I sat in the urologist office, waiting over an hour for him to come into my room. It took forever. At that time, Erik was driving home from his business trip, but wouldn't be back for a couple more hours. Finally, the doctor came in. We called Erik and put him on speakerphone so he could hear us talk. It's a blur to me now, but in essence, he told us it was most likely cancer and that it needed to be removed immediately. I cried during the entire appointment. I had to go back into the waiting room and sit there until a lab tech called me back so she could draw more blood. I remember sitting there crying and watching everyone look at me and wonder what was going on. Moments later, I was called back and had more blood drawn. The phlebotomist was so nice to me and immediately gave me a hug. It was exactly what I needed. She drew the blood rather quickly and I walked to my car. I opened the door, sat down and cried the hardest I have ever cried in my entire life. I had kidney cancer.

Had it spread? Would I be here to see my children grow up? Was I going to die? Terrible thoughts flooded my mind at that moment. I drove home barely being able to see the road through my tears. Thankfully, Erik made it home about 30 minutes later. I hated having to endure the worst week of my life with him out of town. At last, his car pulled up to the garage and I ran out to give him a hug. I was so happy to finally feel his embrace. I never wanted to let go.

Life was different from that day on. I savored every moment I had with my husband and children. I prayed, desperately asking for Heavenly Father to spare me.That week, my life flashed before my eyes. It was never going to be the same.