Surviving Cancer

Many hours later, I woke up to a blurry image of Erik and his Mom standing near me in the recovery room. The doctor said everything went as well as could be expected. To our surprise, he said the tumor was the size of a cantaloupe and that it had enough fluid inside to fill a Big Gulp. It had completely taken over my torso. Because of this, my other organs were pushed out of their normal position. We were shocked. How could that have been inside me and we had no idea?
 
I couldn't feel much pain at that time, because I was on so many medications, but I could barely speak. It hurt just to whisper, which was something I didn't expect. Recovery was rough that day. I couldn't move and all I wanted to do was sleep. That was not going to happen. Nurses came in every hour or so to check my vitals and see how I was doing. In the middle of the night, one of the machines kept beeping because it wasn't working properly and it was utterly impossible for Erik and I to get any rest.

The next morning, I was feeling a little better. I was able to walk about 10 yards down the hall, which was a huge improvement. Erik joked that Farmor (his grandma) would have beat me in a race. My sister brought Claire and Ethan to visit later that morning and I was so excited to see them. Even better than seeing them, was seeing my parents for the first time in 18 months. They were scheduled to come home from their mission in Norway the next week, but left seven days early to be with me in the hospital. I was overjoyed to have my parents finally by my side. They also got to meet Ethan for the first time. Ethan and my Dad already have a special bond (Ethan's middle name is Victor, my Dad's name) and it was so nice to see them together. Claire was delighted to see them again, as was I.

I remained in the hospital until Sunday (November 24th). My doctor said I could stay as long as I wanted, but I was feeling a little better and knew it would be easier on everyone if I went home. The drive home was miserable. Erik drove slow and cautiously, but every little bump was extremely painful. That week, I was a bump on a log. I literally laid on the couch all day and couldn't move. Every time I would sit up or lay down, I could feel and hear all of my insides slosh around. It was such an uncomfortable feeling. Between Erik, my Mom, and his Mom, someone was there to help me everyday. I wasn't allowed to pick up Ethan for six weeks, which was a huge challenge. Our friends, ward members, and families babysat the kids, brought in meals, and did so much for us during that time.

Thursday was Thanksgiving Day. It was definitely a challenge getting ready, but I made it to Erik's Aunt's house. As usual, we went around the room and said what we were grateful for. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would say that I was grateful to be alive. Thanksgiving and being grateful had a new meaning for me that year.

On Saturday, November 30th (8 days after surgery), we finally received a call from my doctor with the official pathology results. I had kidney cancer (clear cell renal cell carcinoma). It was unreal. Knowing that it was truly cancer and not just a tumor was devastating. I thought I was out of the woods after surgery, but now the emotional turmoil continued. Even though I was out of commission for about six weeks, the emotional part has been far more difficult than the physical. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what my future might bring. Will it come back? Will I die young because of it? Do I have a disease that predisposes me to this and other cancers? Do my children have that gene? It's been really hard and even though I try not to worry about the unknown, it's scary.

A couple of weeks after my surgery, I went in for my first post-op appointment. I was aware that I would not be meeting with my doctor, but when the nurse walked in, I knew I had seen him somewhere. Turns out, he was the first person I saw when I was wheeled into the operating room and the last person I looked at before going under. Dr. Brooks looked at my stomach and said the four-inch incision down the center and the three one-inch incisions nearby were healing nicely. It was great to hear.

Later that month, we received a call from my doctor's assistant. She told me that Dr. Fisher had spoke to his colleagues about my case and they all determined that I needed to have genetic testing. I was so young and had no family history, which made my case very rare. In fact, I was the youngest patient to have renal cell carcinoma that he'd operated on. That was not a record I wanted to break. Unfortunately, our insurance will not cover the testing (they say it is 'investigative') and we are still working with the genetic counselor to figure out our best financial option. These tests are thousands and thousands of dollars so we are hoping we can find a loop hole or cheaper option somewhere.

After six weeks of recovery, I was finally able to release my babysitters from their call of duty and pick up/hold Ethan for the first time. The many weeks of dinners, babysitting, and our moms cleaning the house came to an end. Now it was back to normal life. Sort of.

Shortly after this whole ordeal, I purchased a bracelet to remind myself of what I went through. Each item is of great significance. There is an orange garnet eye (the stone of courage), a 'forget me not' bead, and a cancer survivor ribbon. I wear it every single day to help me remember the lessons I learned through my fight with cancer.

My life will never be the same after this experience. Kidney cancer will forever be on my mind and it will be months before I am pain free. I will always be grateful for the outcome I had at this time, but will continue to be scared of what the future might bring. I hope that I will be able to function completely with one kidney, that cancer will not infect my body again, and that my children and I will be free of any predisposing cancer gene. My stomach may look like I've been in a bear fight, but in strange way, it brings me comfort and reminds me of how precious life is. Seize the moment. Tell your family you love them. Be patient with your children. And maybe most importantly, get a yearly physical. It may save your life!

Surgery

The next two days I was a mess, as was Erik I'm sure. He did his best to keep his composure in front of me, but I knew he was probably a wreck inside. On Sunday, I asked him to give me a blessing as we geared up for more tests and surgery later that week. To be honest, after the blessing I didn't feel much comfort. I was worried. I remember him saying that "in time I would be well". I zeroed in on the words "in time" and wondered what that meant. Was the surgery not going to work entirely? Was I going to have to go through chemo or radiation? A whole slew of thoughts entered my mind.

Monday morning, Erik and I went to the imaging center for my CT scan and MRI. Basically, they wanted these tests done to see if it had spread. Both of us were a disaster; we were so nervous. We went back into the room and asked them a few questions. They told Erik he had to leave the room, which I could tell he did not want to do. The imaging technician said that if things looked good on the MRI, then I would go directly in for the CT scan, but that if something looked a little off, I'd need to do it again. I got on the table and felt like I was being prepared for burial. She wrapped me up in towels and sheets, put ear plugs in my ears, and then covered my eyes. It was a very strange feeling. I laid there listening to the loud beeping sounds for about thirty minutes with tears streaming down my face, yet trying to remain as still as possible. I have never feared the unknown so badly before.

A half an hour later, the MRI was complete and the results looked good. My brain was fine. Next was the CT scan, which went exactly like the last one. Afterwards, we waited for a few minutes until the radiologist was able to speak to us about the results. This was not routine, but they knew we were such a mess and wanted answers. We went back to his office and felt like we got some good news. In his opinion, the tumor didn't look cancerous. Erik and I were overjoyed to hear something positive, even though it wasn't for sure.

Now we had the rest of the week to prepare for my surgery, which was scheduled for Friday (November 22nd). That week we prayed and prayed and prayed. Erik and I drew closer than we ever were before. I began reading the scriptures again on a regular basis, which is something I struggle finding the time for. I happened upon a chapter in Moroni that brought me much peace:

"Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ". (Moroni 7:48) "My beloved (daughter, Tanya), I rejoice exceedingly that your Lord Jesus Christ hath been mindful of you...I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end." (Moroni 8:2&3). 

Later that week, my sister drove up from Las Vegas to help me prepare for surgery. I told her many times that she didn't need to come, but she insisted. I was very grateful. Having her there was such a blessing. I will always love her for her generous and kind heart.

Thursday afternoon I went to the hospital to register as instructed by my doctor. It was a bunch of waiting around, filling out paperwork and more blood draws. The most uncomfortable part was being asked if I had a living will. As if I didn't know the seriousness of what was going on, being asked that question made it even more depressing.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was scared out of my mind.

The next day (Friday, November 22nd), we drove back to the hospital for surgery. When they were preparing me for the IV's, I remember listening to all of the voices around us. I could tell they were all old people. I kept thinking, how can I possibly be here? I'm so young! Moments later I said my goodbyes to Erik and prayed for the best. They wheeled me back into the operating room and as I entered, I thought "this looks exactly like on TV". Equipment everywhere and nurses standing there waiting for me to arrive. I remember seeing a male nurse sitting there as I entered the room (more on that later). One of the nurses asked me to move onto the operating table (which was ridiculously small). As I moved, I said to him, "you guys must see some pretty gross stuff in here". And then I was out.

A Post I Never Thought I'd Write

Two days later, on November 13th, my family practice doctor called and gave me the official results from my ultrasound. I listened intently as he gave me the news. I had a 10x15 centimeter cystic area on my left kidney. He said it looked like a cyst, but that the walls were thickened and it wasn't a pure cyst. His exact words were "we need to chase this down". I started crying. He told me that a nurse would call me back to set up a CT scan and that after it was done, I needed to call the doctor immediately for the report. The nurse called moments later to schedule an appointment for the next day. She told me about the dye they would inject into my kidneys and that I needed to stop breastfeeding. I was sad that I had to quit so abruptly, but knew for Ethan's safety, it had to be done.

I called Erik, who was still out of town and reiterated the information as best as I could. I felt sad and alone. He did his best to comfort me and told me that everything would be okay, but I knew I needed to prepare for the worst. Of course, I immediately started researching online and tried to find out any information I could regarding cysts of that size. That's when things got a lot worse. According to the article I read online, 90% of cysts larger than seven centimeters were cancerous. I called Erik again, balling. From that moment on, I stayed off the Internet. 

The next morning (Thursday, November 14th), Erik's mom came over to watch the kids again while I went back to the imaging center for my CT scan. I sat in the waiting room alone and couldn't stop myself from wondering what was going to happen. My thoughts went in so many different directions. I laid on the table as the ultrasound was about to begin and they immediately injected the dye. It was a terrible feeling. My torso instantly started to feel warm and it felt like I was going to be burned alive from the inside out. Thankfully, the feeling subsided rather quickly and the scan was over.

That evening, Erik's dad and brother-in-law, Steve, came over to give me a priesthood blessing. I needed the comfort and was so grateful they were there to step in while Erik was gone. In the prayer, Harald told me that "I would be well". It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been pleading with Heavenly Father to keep me alive and hearing those words brought me the comfort I desired. I instantly felt calm.

I was finally able to get some rest that night, but awoke to an abrupt phone call from my doctor the next morning. He told me that he was able to get me in to see a urologist that morning and I needed to be there in 45 minutes. I knew this was going to be bad. I wasn't expecting to have an appointment for a week, maybe two. The fact that they got me in so fast, was terrible news for me. This was not a good sign.

On Friday, November 15th, everything changed. Prior to the appointment, I had to stop by the imaging center, pick up all of my x-rays and bring them with me to the urologists office. I was rushing like a mad woman and while stopped at a street light, I received the random text from a friend of mine who had no idea what had been going on that week. "Have an amazing day today sweet friend!!! Go roar, conquering any trial and dance through the fire!" Tears streamed down my face. I was so grateful she wrote me those words. What an inspiration.

Alone again, I sat in the urologist office, waiting over an hour for him to come into my room. It took forever. At that time, Erik was driving home from his business trip, but wouldn't be back for a couple more hours. Finally, the doctor came in. We called Erik and put him on speakerphone so he could hear us talk. It's a blur to me now, but in essence, he told us it was most likely cancer and that it needed to be removed immediately. I cried during the entire appointment. I had to go back into the waiting room and sit there until a lab tech called me back so she could draw more blood. I remember sitting there crying and watching everyone look at me and wonder what was going on. Moments later, I was called back and had more blood drawn. The phlebotomist was so nice to me and immediately gave me a hug. It was exactly what I needed. She drew the blood rather quickly and I walked to my car. I opened the door, sat down and cried the hardest I have ever cried in my entire life. I had kidney cancer.

Had it spread? Would I be here to see my children grow up? Was I going to die? Terrible thoughts flooded my mind at that moment. I drove home barely being able to see the road through my tears. Thankfully, Erik made it home about 30 minutes later. I hated having to endure the worst week of my life with him out of town. At last, his car pulled up to the garage and I ran out to give him a hug. I was so happy to finally feel his embrace. I never wanted to let go.

Life was different from that day on. I savored every moment I had with my husband and children. I prayed, desperately asking for Heavenly Father to spare me.That week, my life flashed before my eyes. It was never going to be the same.

How it all Began

I've been staring at this blank piece of paper for a while now. The black cursor keeps flashing, waiting for me to type a letter. It brings me back to mid-November when my life abruptly flashed before my eyes.

It all began on August 20th, I went in for an appointment with a random family practice doctor for my annual physical. I told the doctor I felt great, exercise regularly, and eat pretty healthy. All in all, I didn't have much to complain about. The appointment ended and I walked down the hall to have my blood drawn. A few days later, I called the office for my results and was surprised to see that a few of my liver tests had elevated results. They were as follows:

BUN/Creatinine Ratio: 23 (normal interval 8-20)
     *kidney damage, temporary liver problems, dehydrated
Alkaline Phosphatase: 116 (normal interval 42-107)
     *liver damage
ALT: 50 (normal interval 0-32)
     *liver stress/damage

The doctor was concerned, but said I didn't need to get on any medications and to come back in two months for another blood test. It they were still high, he'd look into putting me on meds, seeing a specialist, or having a liver ultrasound. 

I started to do a little research online and came across some information that listed symptoms that I actually had. The article was in reference to having an iron storage problem. The symptoms were the same: elevated blood tests, minor headaches, chapped lips, and a whooshing sound in the ears. Those were all symptoms that I had and I was actually a little surprised to see them all lumped into one category. I never knew they could be related. I was actually encouraged by this and thought it would be nice to get all of those minor problems taken care of.

Life went on as normal.

Fast forward to November 5th. I went into the office and had more blood drawn. This time, I was a little nervous to get the results. Was something really wrong? I remember sitting at the kitchen counter when the doctor called a few days later and said my blood work was still high.

ALT: 65 (now 15 higher than it was initially)

The doctor told me he ruled out hepatitis A, B, and C and that my iron levels were fine. The next step was to go in for an ultrasound to see if there was anything going on with my liver.

On Monday, November 11th, Erik's mom came over to watch the kids while I went to the imaging center for my ultrasound. Erik had left the day before on a business trip and was going to be out of town all week. I wasn't expecting anything to result from this appointment so I wasn't very nervous. I was more anxious about how much it would cost. I went back into the room and the ultrasound tech said that if she only did an ultrasound on one side (where the liver was), it would be cheaper than a full abdominal scan like my doctor had requested. I thought it was so nice of her to look out for my financial well being and thanked her for letting me know. The woman began the ultrasound and everything appeared to be normal. That is, until she wandered over to my left side. She discovered a large 10x15 centimeter cystic area near my left kidney, but wouldn't tell me anything else. I was annoyed, but knew she couldn't jump to conclusions since she wasn't my doctor. Shortly after, I left the office and anxiously awaited a call from my doctor with the official results.

This was the beginning of the worst week of my life.

Ponies and Stallions

One of the activities on my Fall Bucket list was for Claire to go on a pony ride. Fall was winding down, but we finally made it to the farm at Thanksgiving Pointe for Claire's pony ride. She was very nervous when I first put her on the saddle but after a minute, she loved it and would not stop smiling. When the ride was over she wanted to go again and I told her that we only had enough money for one ride. She was devastated. The only thing that got her happy again was a hay ride.

Besides watching Claire light up with joy while on the pony, I loved watching Ethan stare at the horses. He was very interested and observed them for what seemed like forever.

Yet another fun afternoon with the kids.

Jumpin' Around

What do you do when it's too cold to play outside? Find somewhere fun to play inside.

Claire, Ethan, and their cousins, Soren and Vivian, spent an hour at Airborne together in early November. The older kids had a blast. Poor little Ethan had to be held the entire time because there were too many kids jumping around to let him go off by himself. It was a great way to play indoors and I think we'll have to go back their ASAP.

 

Another Day at the Zoo

In early November, the kids and I spent the afternoon at Hogle Zoo with some friends. We love going to the zoo, and this occasion, was no different. This trip was a little more special for me than most.

First, because I noticed that Claire is the same size as a child gorilla and Ethan is the same size as an infant. Too cute!

 
The second reason I loved this trip to the zoo was because I got this darling snapshot of me and the kids (taken by my friend, Julie) . A good photo of me and the kids is hard to come by, so when I saw this gem, I was ecstatic. Both kids looking at the camera and (sort of) smiling? A miracle! Thanks Julie! We had a blast with you guys and can't wait to go again (when it gets warmer of course).

The Beauty of Fall

Last year I tried to do a photo shoot of Claire in a pile of leaves and it was terrible. A terrible experience and terrible pictures resulted.

This year, we tried again and it was completely different.

Claire loved throwing the leaves in the air (especially on top of Ethan) and really enjoyed running along the yard kicking the leaves around her.

Ethan wasn't too sure about the leaves being thrown a top his head, but was intrigued by their texture, sound, and taste.

I am so happy with the pictures that resulted from this shoot and glad I took the time to capture these moments.



*A special thank you to the McBride family who provided the backyard and leaves for this wonderful shoot. It was the perfect backdrop. We'll definitely be back next year.

Another Year Older

Khloe turned six years old on November fifth this year.

 

Love this girl so much.

 

She is the cutest little shorkie and such a joy to have in our family.

 

Her big sister helped her blow out the candles this year.

 

She didn't have much of a choice. Claire insisted. :)

 

Cheers to another year Khlo Khlo!

October Instagram

Here are some of my favorite images that I captured on my phone and posted to my Instagram account (http://instagram.com/tanyajolaf#) during the month of October:

• The result of Claire trying to do one of her chores
• I finally joined the rest of society and got my very first smart phone
• Ethan and Claire
• Khloe enjoying a nice nap on top of the laundry
• Claire and I having fun at the pumpkin patch
• The kids posing with a sea otter statue at Hogle Zoo
• Erik, Khloe, and Claire walking together on a hike
• My 30th birthday cake that Erik surprised me with
• Enjoying snuggles with my little dude
• Claire putting my lip gloss on, on of her favorite things to do
• Ethan enjoying a cart ride at Target
• A selfie with my eskimo vest so I would match my arctic monsters on Halloween

Catching up with Claire - October

Claire's favorite thing to do this month? Take selfies. :) Any chance she had, she'd take my camera and snap pictures of herself and any random thing she could find. It always makes me laugh when I discover these images on my camera days later. Her facial expressions are hilarious and I wish I knew her thought process behind what she chose to take pictures of.

 

Her other favorite thing to do is put makeup on. She's surprisingly very good at putting lipstick on and almost always stays in the lines. I had to implement a new rule that she could only wear my lip gloss at home, because she would always want to put it on before we left the house.

Our sweet little girl was thriving in preschool and loved going every week. She was getting very good at writing her name and loved to show off her new skill. The only downside of preschool days were that she would often come home very cranky. Three hours of stimulation and learning would leave her exhausted and moody every day after school. At the beginning of the school year I did my best to pry information out of her on our drives home, but quickly realized nothing good came of it. Her crankiness would transfer over to me and then both of us were unhappy campers. The best solution was to let her sit in silence until we got home and her mood would slightly improve.

I love taking pictures of the kids sleeping, because they are always so innocent and peaceful. Those words usually don't describe them during the day, so I love peeking in on them at night. Our perfect little Ethan boy is the obvious one for me to take sleeping pictures of, because who doesn't love to look at a sleeping baby? That being said, I try not to leave Claire out and often sneak into her room to catch a glimpse. So precious!

Our Little Guy - Month 9

Only one significant milestone came about during Ethan's ninth month, which I will get to later. For the most part, he was still the same happy, adorable little guy. He was enjoying bath time, sleeping like a champ, and loved playing with Claire's baby Stella.

Ethan enjoyed the last few random days of warm, Fall weather. He went on the teeter totter again and loved moving up and down. I'm not surprised. This guy prefers to be on the move and will not sit still. Next summer, the playground will definitely be one of his favorite places to be.

Ethan spent many Sunday evenings enjoying time with his cousins. Ethan and Roman, his cousin who is two months younger, discovered more of each other now that Romy could sit up with assistance. Ethan is very interested in other babies and generally tries to gash their eyes out. :)

We've only had one mishap since putting Ethan's bed in our closet. Honestly, I'm surprised we went nine months until something occurred. One day, when I went to get Ethan up from his nap, I walked in to discover he had pulled all of Erik's ties down into his bed. Silly guy. From that moment on, I made sure he couldn't reach the ties or belts again.

Now that Ethan was sort of on the move, he and Claire had a lot more fun together. The two of them began to interact more and seemed to really enjoy each other's company.

Beginning sometime in October, Ethan was given his first french fry. One evening, we went to JCW's to eat dinner and I had completely forgotten to pack Ethan's baby food. So, Ethan's dinner consisted entirely of french fries. He absolutely loved them and it was the most enjoyable dinner Erik and I had with the kids in very long time. There wasn't a single screech or cry. He sat there the entire time enjoying what could probably be described as his first favorite food.

Ethan's biggest milestone this month was that he began crawling up the stairs. This was a total surprise because we really didn't help him practice much, if at all. On October 28th, I set him on the stairs and he crawled to the very top. I was shocked and totally caught off guard. Crawling up stairs, balancing and cruising around furniture; this little guy was moving all over the place. This created a new set of challenges for me as I had to keep my eyes on him at all times to make sure he wouldn't fall down the stairs.

Erik and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with our little guy this past month. Ethan kept Erik company while watching University of Utah football games and I kept him entertained by standing him up on top of me, which he was always very amused by.

Yet another month flew by and Ethan boy kept growing and growing. We are so lucky to have such a happy guy in our home. Love you dude!

Ethan's 9 Month Bear Picture



Trick or Treat

Halloween night 2013.

Claire had been looking forward to this night for weeks. She was so excited to finally go trick or treating in her polar bear costume.

First stop: Olafsson's house to visit Claire's Farmor and Farfar.

We stopped by a handful of houses in the Olafsson's neighborhood and Claire wasn't enjoying herself too much. She didn't have any friends with her, which made it kind of boring, and she was a little timid every time she got to a door and a stranger answered. Who could blame her?

To our surprise, we happened to run into her cousin, Emma, who had stopped by Farmor and Farfar's house as well. Claire was overjoyed! Now she a had a buddy to run around the streets with and share in the excitement.

 

This is when the real fun began. Claire and Emma had a blast running to each house, ringing the doorbell and getting candy from strangers. They also got to go on a hay ride in the middle of the neighborhood! Her Farmor and Farmor seem to have pretty cool neighbors.

 

Throughout the evening, Ethan was a trooper and calmly sat in the stroller. I'm excited for next year when he can chase after Claire and get candy as well.

The kids were so cute in their costumes! I decided to go along with the theme (in a stylish way), and wore an most Eskimo inspired vest to match my arctic monsters. 

Trick or treating finally came to an end and Claire couldn't believe how much candy she had acquired. Ethan was interested in it too and loved picking them up and inspecting the wrappers. Before long, Claire's excitement had ended and she was a mess. She started crying about something, which meant the night was over. :) Halloween 2013 was a great night and we were all ready to go home to bed.  
 

 

The next morning, I wanted to play a trick on Claire (inspired by late night TV host Jimmy Kimmel). I have to say that I loved her reaction. Honestly, I didn't think she would care, but she obviously did. Take a look:

 

 

Halloween at Challenger

The day of Halloween, Claire got to participate in her very first preschool program. The kids paraded around the grounds for a few minutes showing off their costumes to the parents. Claire was so excited to see us there and cheerfully walked next to her favorite person; her teacher, Miss Anna.

I was really excited to visit the school for her program because since parents aren't allowed to volunteer in the classroom, I've never seen how she acts at school. She was appropriately a little shy in front of everyone who was standing around, but I was happy to see that she never disobeyed the teachers instructions and seemed to be on her best behavior.
 
Next, it was time for Claire and her classmates to sing the Halloween song they learned. It was adorable!

Halloween at the Library

While the boys were at home, Claire and I attended the Monster Mash Halloween class at Whitmore Library. They sing, dance, read books, and get candy. It takes Claire a minute to warm up, but she eventually gets into it. She wiggles her little body and follows the teacher's every move. This year, she was even brave enough to dance on the stage. So cute!